Tuesday, October 2, 2012

a failure...

You know my biggest fear use to be something like a car crash or a house fire, now it's infertility.. People treat infertility like it's so uncommon or no big deal.. 

how everyone see's it..                            how in reality it really is..
           infertility                                                                      INFERTILITY 

I feel like such a failure, Why can't I make this happen? No one in my close family has had to deal with this like me nor has anyone on my husbands side.. just us. Some in his family had a miscarriage like us but they never had to "TRY" to get pregnant.. it just happened, and it always happened really fast. We on the other hand aren't so lucky, I feel like I'm a failure and that it separates me from all of them. All of them had bodies who didn't mind to take on the responsibility of carrying a baby for 9 months, or birthing a healthy baby. Seems like mine just refuses, and then the thought that it always will gets stuck in my mind. I feared not having kids when I was younger cause I've always been a kid person but never did I think it would be like this. That it would take what seems like so long to us to get pregnant, you obviously don't think you will be one to loose your baby either but... it happens. 

I should have been to see the doctor already considering the looong lengthy process/journey this has been but I am just simply to afraid. Afraid of more bad news that I just really can't handle at this point. Then there's always the chance that they will say "o, your just fine, we don't know why you aren't getting pregnant." And to be honest I don't know which would be worse. I fear that this is going to take needles and medicated drugs to get our precious baby. But I'm really not willing to except that me and my body can't do this. I long for it why doesn't my body as well? It's our nature. 

It all hurts so deep and feeling like a failure in this is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I wouldn't wish this on a frog, and if any of you know me.. I HATE frogs! Everyone around just thinks we aren't trying.. The worst feeling ever when we get asked "so, when are you all going to start trying again?" tears :'(.... Then we have to look at them and say "We have been since a month after our loss."  Then the look of confusion and sorrow comes over their faces... Then they say "well it will happen when the time is right." Those are some of the words I hate the most! They got no clue what it feels like and then they can crack something off like that and expect it to make me feel better!! 

If only all those people who have said things or came off with the remarks they have, just had to walk in my shoes for one day! Just ONE day! Would they change their ways towards me in the situation? Sad to say, but probably not because they'd go back to their lives where they never struggled this and completely ignore what I go through.

Signing off, 
The one who feels like a failure

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