Sunday, December 7, 2014

blessed

I'm still working on the birthday blog,
I've got it halfway wrote in my drafts and will be posted soon enough.
However as I sit here at almost 2 A.M. I just can't help but feel blessed.
 
I'll admit that I make mistakes daily,
especially as a mommy, and a newish one at that. He is only 16 months.
Seems like every night after I rock him to sleep,
I watch him slumber in my arms for a few and try and remember all that took place that day.
 
Honestly every night I feel like a failure.
I didn't spend enough time with him, I should have been more attentive to him,
the list goes on and on and daily I promise myself to do better.
Still yet, here I sit, feeling like a horrible mother.
 
Sure he was fed, he had his milk, his diapers were changed,
he even managed to get a quick scrub, but there was so much more I could have done
for him and with him today.
I wish there was more time. These days time is my worst enemy.
 
But as I sit and feel this mommy guilt I am reminded that I am blessed.
I am blessed to feel like a failure tonight.
I am blessed to have a good husband filling the house with his roaring snore.
I am blessed to have a healthy baby boy sleeping peacefully in his crib.
I am blessed.
 
I want to quit complaining.
quit wanting.
All I can have is the moment I live in now.
I can't take back how today went, there is no rewind.
The time I chose to check my instagram feed instead of build blocks with my son
has passed.
At the end of the day I can critique myself all I want,
I can constantly remind myself of my failures,
and I can say that tomorrow I will try and make it a little better.
Live in the moment, lets not take life for granted!
we are blessed. 

Friday, November 28, 2014

Our birth story

I have finally decided I'm going to try and fix up a nice post of
Easton's birthday party.
But first I thought it'd be nice to post my birth story.
 
 
We found out we were expecting on November 19th, 2012.
A few short weeks later we found out our expected due date was July 23rd, 2013.
Many months later we found ourselves here,
at the doctors office, on July 22nd, waiting...
 
The doctor came in and checked me, my body had been progressing
and I was somewhere around a 3, maybe a little more.
He decided it was best to sweep my membranes and try to start my labor process.
He told me to walk as much as possible that night,
but if things didn't start on there own that I could come in
after 7 the next morning and have my water broken!
 
I looked at him with shock, I had no idea that'd be an option that day.
He'd never brought it up in the past weeks.
I looked at him a little confused, as much as I had wanted to avoid any inductions
let's face it, I - Was - MISERABLE.
He assured me it was all up to me and if I wanted to wait it out that I was more than welcome.
I caved! Just the thought of having my baby boy in my arms that next day was so peaceful and exciting that it took over my mind, my decision was made.
 
I made sure to eat good that evening and night and walk as much as possible.
I would have contractions but they'd never stay consistent enough.
We made sure we had all our bags packed just the way we wanted and off to bed we went.
Well.. at least my husband went.
I got no sleep, I was to excited, the anticipation, the fear, the unknown.
 
The next morning we were up and at it.
Took a walk down the block in hopes I'd progress a little further before heading out.
I made sure to take me a quick bath so I could feel decent till my next shower.
(Whenever that'd be)
 
We arrived at the hospital a little after 8:00 AM.
The day before, my doctor had told me to expect the midwife.
To my surprise he was the one I seen come through the doors that morning.
My induction wasn't scheduled, so he hurried in and broke my water so there was no way that they could send me home.
Boy let me tell ya, the nurses weren't to happy with him.
 
The clock read 8:20 when he broke my water.
He also checked me and I was a little over a 3 maybe closer to a 4.
The nurse yelled at them to put me as an in patient, that he'd broke water.
I'm telling ya, she really wasn't happy about it. lol
From there we just waited for them to hook me to IV for fluids and see how the next few hours went.
 
I unfortunately have horrible, tiny, almost nonexistent veins.
They roll, I have thick skin.. it's just a disaster.
So of course I was stuck with needles for a good amount of time with no success.
Thankfully someone finally got it in and the ball was rolling,
well.. until they had to drawl blood too.
Thankfully that one was patient with my veins and only had to stick me once.
 
A little later around 10ish they said I wasn't having contractions as close as they wanted.
They wanted them no more than 2 minutes apart.
So they started me on Pitocin...
The contractions became more painful but bearable.
Every few minutes the nurse would be back in there upping my dosage of Pitocin.
They got to 1 and a half minutes apart lasting a minute.
Around 11ish they asked did I want an epidural and I denied.
I wasn't set on not having one but wanted to wait as long as I thought I could..
Literally minutes later I told my husband to inform them that I wanted it now.
The pain had escalated from a 5-10 within minutes.
 
Well wouldn't you of guessed that it was my lucky day..
they had gave the dosage that was prepared for me to the girl next door.
They were all out of their medicine up there and would have to wait on another round.
Sounded reasonable right?
no!
It took till 1:00 for me to get my epidural!
Thankfully it was a breeze and I'd do it all over in a heartbeat.
 
They checked me after the epidural and I was at a 6.
I can't remember the exact time they checked me next, I think it was around 4ish but I had went from a 6-9, almost 10 within a few hours.
At this point they started setting up the baby station and bringing in tools.
I was scared to death, I started shaking and crying.
I wasn't ready to push and bring a baby into the world just yet.
What if he wasn't okay? what if his heart rate drops?
what if I can't get him out fast enough?
All the what if's of if he'd be okay once he got here were overwhelming.
This baby I had waited so long for was gonna be out in less than 30 minutes!
 
The nurses wanted me to practice push first and decided quickly that we should just wait on the midwife before I pushed again.
The midwife came in and checked on things and got all suited up.
was this really happening? my baby was fixing to be in my arms?
 
Within the matter of minutes I had one nurse on each side a hold of my feet,
mom and my husband on the side lines, and this giant light above my face, and I was pushing!!
As I pushed for what seemed like no time for me I could hear my husband saying,
"is that hair?"
Sure enough I heard the reply, "Yes, a lot and it's dark and long."
from the 4-D we were expecting very little hair.
 
As I kept pushing his heart rate started to drop, the midwife kept telling me that it was okay and that they may have to use the vacuum to get him out faster.
I was gung-ho for anything at this point, GET HIM OUT, make sure he is okay!
As his heart rate kept dropping I could see the fear on everyone.
My mom said at one point all she saw was the number 20.
20!
Of course the midwife rushed for the vac and begun to tell me to push as it pulled.
Even with the epidural I could feel him evacuate my body but not with pain, just pressure.
Then out of nowhere at 5:06 pm...
 
 
There he was!
My little dark haired cone headed baby!
That sweet sweet cry that I'd longed for rang in my ears.
I sobbed, I mean flat out ugly cry sobbed!
My miracle was here, alive, and crying!
 
 
They ruffed him up and wiped him down quickly and laid him on me.
As I tried to see my precious baby through my joyful tears more continued to stream down my face. He was so beautiful and so perfect. Even with a cone head.
In the matter of minutes they had my husband cut the cord and took him away to the baby station beside me and began to check him out.
 
 
 
 
 
As I lay there watching my mom and husband beam with pride while I was being stitched from a small inside tear, I just had so much joy.
I couldn't wait till they placed him back in my arms.
Didn't seem like it was to long before he was right back and I was starring down at him.
At that moment I knew there was absolutely no way I could ever love him more, but boy was I wrong.
That little 7 lb. 15oz. and 20 in. had me wrapped.
 
 
 
 
I finally released him so my husband could hold him and shortly after my mom.
I was allowed to keep him in there for an hour and try to nurse him and bond.
I'll just say that the nurses were of no help of me to nurse and I totally blame them for the failure I had with it.
 
 
The hour passed to quickly and he was taken away.
He had a little trouble with body heat so they kept him from me for hours..
They took him at 6 and I didn't get him back till 10 that night.
Later we found out that his temp wasn't their only concern but he had a GIANT hernia in his testicle, and the nurses had never seen that before.
 
But he was perfect and with a little surgery we'd have no worries.
I am so beyond thankful and overjoyed with that little monkey.
He is what make my world go round and nothing could ever replace the love I have for him.