Wednesday, October 3, 2012

strong enough

Lord, you must think I'm strong, to give me what I'm going through. Well forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong, but this looks like more than I can do. On my own. I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm suppose to be, I give up, I'm not strong enough. Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord, right now I'm asking you to be strong enough, for the both of us. Well maybe, maybe that's the point, to reach the point of giving up. Cause when I'm finally, finally at rock bottom well, that's when I start looking up and reaching out. I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm suppose to be, I give up, I'm not strong enough.  Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord, right now I'm asking you to be strong enough, for the both of us.

This song has been what I went to for strength so many times. It's exactly how I feel! I know I have only made it this far because of the good Lord and the strength he has provided me to have. At times I have still just sat and cried and begged the Lord to just let me use his shoulder to cry on and wrap his arms around me so I will know he is there. Some days I still felt like God was nowhere to be found although I knew better, but I wouldn't allow him to help me through some days. I would be so angry. I'll be honest at first I was angry with myself, I kept blaming myself, then I started being angry with God, I felt like he had just gave me this wonderful blessing that I had waited for and then ripped the rug right out from underneath me! All I could do was ask WHY? Why would he do this.. then I went back to blaming myself. I made myself believe he took that baby away from me because of me, I  just thought on all the things I had done and blamed me.. I just knew I had done something to upset God so bad that he ripped my dream away. 

Was any of this true that was in my head?.. No, God didn't want to punish me or hurt me. Things happen and in this life were going to be tested, and were going to have trials. I believe what happened to me was for many reasons. It brought me and my husband so much closer, we seen a side of each other that had never been shown before. I learned how God had no respect of person. It doesn't matter if you have been serving him for 50 years or if you haven't even met him and took him as your savior... he has no respect of person. He will bless them just as well as the saint. Imagine if he didn't, no one would ever come to him.

God let me know he was with me so many times and he has promised me that I will sing "Amazing Grace" to my little one some day. It may have been one of the sweetest things I ever heard from him. With that I must be strong enough and not give up. I have faith that he will bless me and my husband with a beautiful healthy baby one day and I will do my best to raise it up in a good God fearing home. Sometimes promises are all we have, and when God makes a promise there is no going back on it. He will do what he says. :)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

a failure...

You know my biggest fear use to be something like a car crash or a house fire, now it's infertility.. People treat infertility like it's so uncommon or no big deal.. 

how everyone see's it..                            how in reality it really is..
           infertility                                                                      INFERTILITY 

I feel like such a failure, Why can't I make this happen? No one in my close family has had to deal with this like me nor has anyone on my husbands side.. just us. Some in his family had a miscarriage like us but they never had to "TRY" to get pregnant.. it just happened, and it always happened really fast. We on the other hand aren't so lucky, I feel like I'm a failure and that it separates me from all of them. All of them had bodies who didn't mind to take on the responsibility of carrying a baby for 9 months, or birthing a healthy baby. Seems like mine just refuses, and then the thought that it always will gets stuck in my mind. I feared not having kids when I was younger cause I've always been a kid person but never did I think it would be like this. That it would take what seems like so long to us to get pregnant, you obviously don't think you will be one to loose your baby either but... it happens. 

I should have been to see the doctor already considering the looong lengthy process/journey this has been but I am just simply to afraid. Afraid of more bad news that I just really can't handle at this point. Then there's always the chance that they will say "o, your just fine, we don't know why you aren't getting pregnant." And to be honest I don't know which would be worse. I fear that this is going to take needles and medicated drugs to get our precious baby. But I'm really not willing to except that me and my body can't do this. I long for it why doesn't my body as well? It's our nature. 

It all hurts so deep and feeling like a failure in this is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I wouldn't wish this on a frog, and if any of you know me.. I HATE frogs! Everyone around just thinks we aren't trying.. The worst feeling ever when we get asked "so, when are you all going to start trying again?" tears :'(.... Then we have to look at them and say "We have been since a month after our loss."  Then the look of confusion and sorrow comes over their faces... Then they say "well it will happen when the time is right." Those are some of the words I hate the most! They got no clue what it feels like and then they can crack something off like that and expect it to make me feel better!! 

If only all those people who have said things or came off with the remarks they have, just had to walk in my shoes for one day! Just ONE day! Would they change their ways towards me in the situation? Sad to say, but probably not because they'd go back to their lives where they never struggled this and completely ignore what I go through.

Signing off, 
The one who feels like a failure

Sunday, September 30, 2012

as the rain fell....

So did they....
As I was driving home yesterday in the pouring rain, the tears began to fall. I couldn't stop them, I just bawled all the way home. I can't even pin point on one reason why I was crying, especially so hard but all the same, they fell. I just can't hardly take all that's going on right now.. I feel like I am in a never ending whirl wind. Anyone else around in this rut? I just feel like I can't go any further in anything, not in life, not spiritually, not in any way!! I'm just STUCK. I want out! 

How am I suppose to get past all that's going on? I'm deeply hurting from all this mental, emotional pain. At this point grieving the loss isn't it, I've excepted the fact that we lost the baby and I'm okay with it now I guess... I mean, I can't change what happened.. Now it's more of the fact that we have been trying this long and nothing has come of it. I already suffered the loss and now I'm suffering not getting that back. I just want a baby! I want our family to be started already! We planned to already have a kid by now.

Then there is the problems that's been going on with my husband and his job. He has been breaking out from work for months now and he was finally sent to a dermatologist to have patch testing.  He's pretty much allergic to everything in his work environment! Seriously?.. we can't afford to loose his job anytime soon! It's all just to much and I can't hardly stand it. Tears and anger is all I have left in me at this point. I'm sorry for my bitterness but I can't seem to make it go away. 

I feel like giving up is my only option.. but I've got to keep going.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

It's gonne be one of them days...

It is 7:46 a.m. and what am I doing? Laying in bed listening to lullaby's.. haven't let a tear fall just yet but I can already tell the type of day this will be. I haven't had one of these days in a looong while and was really hoping they'd subside a bit longer. I know that I will always have a day like this here and there but why today? 

It's been 13 months since we said our goodbyes. It's been 12 months since we started trying again.. I'm sick of pretending like everything that everyone says is fine! It's NOT fine! It's NOT okay! Just STOP already, PLEASE? I can't even tell you how many nights I have lay'ed awake weeping away because of something someone said to me regarding the situation.. like it wasn't already hard enough? I was told I just jinxed it, I was told I didn't even care about my baby (only because I kept posting that it was okay, that God was helping me), I was told it just wasn't the right time, it just wasn't God's will, I was told it was for the best, I was told it's okay, it happens to a lot of people, I was told just wait you will be pregnant again soon... NONE of this was true or what I needed or wanted to hear! 
How do you know it wasn't God's will? How do you know it wasn't the right time? How do you know if I don't care.. you can't know how my heart hurts and the agony I go through each day? How do you know it will happen again soon? 13 months isn't soon! It has felt like a never ending journey.. and who knows it may never end. I may be in that category that doesn't get to live this dream, if that's so is it okay, will I be fine? Simply answered, NO I WILL NOT BE OKAY OR FINE! I will just have to learn to live with the life that God has led me to. I will have to stop looking at the pregnant people and moms with a sense of jealousy, and learn to not throw a pity party for myself each time. I will have to stop questioning the Lord why.. He didn't let this happen to hurt me and I'm aware of that. He's not punishing me for anything I done or didn't do, he does still love me. 

This to shall pass...

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

an overview

Me and my husband met in June of '09.
December 25th of '09 he asked me to be his wife :)!
Of course I said "YES!"
We tied the knot on December 4th of 2010.
We had a very nice wedding and a wonderful honeymoon.
On February 18th of 2011 (2 months into our marriage) we decided to try for a baby.
As most people we expected it to happen very soon, I mean who thinks they will have problems getting pregnant?
Marched passed by with no luck and then came April. 
I was 6 days late and we were so anxious. 
But as the days went on we realized it was just another unlucky month. 

So we started house shopping and within a short time found out dream home and bought it. 
We signed the papers May 27th and automatically started staying at our new home. 
we were completely moved in within 2 days. 
As May passed with all our house excitement there was still no luck for a baby.
June came and I kept feeling strange, I was pretty sure this month was it just needed proof.
It was nearing toward the end of June and I had been feeling funny for weeks so I decided to take a test.  
I walked into the bathroom to check and sure enough I seen.. "//" (two pink lines)!!
I was so excited I didn't know what to do. 
My husband was at work so I decided to bake a cake and write,
He came home and I was soo nervous he opened the cake pan lid and looked at me and said, "Really?!" I told him yes and showed him the test. 
He held me for what seemed like forever and game me a kiss and then he admired the test for a while. 

A week or so had passed and it was time for me to go to the doctor. 
I was so nervous since I had never had anything really done to me at the OBGYN, and you hear horrid things about DR's. 
They gave me a pregnancy test and it was of course positive and then we went to the ultrasound room. As the dr. moved the thing around he couldn't see anything but the yolk sack, he informed us that it was just to early to see the baby and he was guessing me around 6 weeks with the way I was measuring but we wouldn't know the due date until he had the baby's measurements. 
Around a week late we were in walmart and I felt something and told my husband I'd be right back that I needed to go to the restroom.
I knew something felt weird, sure enough I seen blood. 
It was a pretty good amount but only happened the one time. 
I decided not to call the doctors but as the days went by I kept worrying. 
So I called and they asked me to come in. 
They did another ultrasound and as before still couldn't see the baby but the yolk sack was there and I was still measuring around 5 weeks.
Several weeks passed and it was time for another check up, I was suppose to be about 7 weeks or so. As they did the ultrasound the baby measured at 6 weeks and 2 days. 
Everything appeared to be just fine. 
Before we knew it I was 10 weeks and it was time to hear baby's heart beat.
We went in and the nurse had a hard time finding the baby's heart beat and when she did it was very faint and was only 110 beats per minute. 
I automatically grew worried but husband insisted to not stress over it that I was fine and so was baby. 
Another week passed and I was just sitting around the house and decided I'd go to bed but needed to pee first. This time I was bleeding heavily and was very scared. Woke up my husband and I cried all night was in a panic..
Called the doctor the next morning and they told me to rush in. 
As they did the ultrasound they found no heart beat and said the baby quit growing at 7 weeks and I was suppose to be 11 weeks. 
me and my husband held ourselves together as the nurses were in there but when they walked out he just held me and we both broke into tears. 
All the way home we sobbed.
we were in denial that whole day and I wanted to actually see my doctor the next morning. 
I had contractions all that evening and night.
Seen my doctor the next morning and confirmed I was infact going to miscarry and that a D&C was the best way to go. 
I had never had surgery so I was a nervous mess. 
I had the D&C and everything went back to normal. 
We said good bye to our miracle August 25, 2011.

It has been 8 months and I am still deeply wounded. 
Me and my husband have been trying for a little over 6 months since the baby passed and still no luck. 

I know God has a plan and it's in his time but it's hard when we want our time to be the right time.