as the rain fell....

So did they....

As I was driving home yesterday in the pouring rain, the tears began to fall. I couldn't stop them, I just bawled all the way home. I can't even pin point on one reason why I was crying, especially so hard but all the same, they fell. I just can't hardly take all that's going on right now.. I feel like I am in a never ending whirl wind. Anyone else around in this rut? I just feel like I can't go any further in anything, not in life, not spiritually, not in any way!! I'm just STUCK. I want out! 

How am I suppose to get past all that's going on? I'm deeply hurting from all this mental, emotional pain. At this point grieving the loss isn't it, I've excepted the fact that we lost the baby and I'm okay with it now I guess... I mean, I can't change what happened.. Now it's more of the fact that we have been trying this long and nothing has come of it. I already suffered the loss and now I'm suffering not getting that back. I just want a baby! I want our family to be started already! We planned to already have a kid by now.

Then there is the problems that's been going on with my husband and his job. He has been breaking out from work for months now and he was finally sent to a dermatologist to have patch testing.  He's pretty much allergic to everything in his work environment! Seriously?.. we can't afford to loose his job anytime soon! It's all just to much and I can't hardly stand it. Tears and anger is all I have left in me at this point. I'm sorry for my bitterness but I can't seem to make it go away. 

I feel like giving up is my only option.. but I've got to keep going.

It's gonne be one of them days...

It is 7:46 a.m. and what am I doing? Laying in bed listening to lullaby's.. haven't let a tear fall just yet but I can already tell the type of day this will be. I haven't had one of these days in a looong while and was really hoping they'd subside a bit longer. I know that I will always have a day like this here and there but why today? 

It's been 13 months since we said our goodbyes. It's been 12 months since we started trying again.. I'm sick of pretending like everything that everyone says is fine! It's NOT fine! It's NOT okay! Just STOP already, PLEASE? I can't even tell you how many nights I have lay'ed awake weeping away because of something someone said to me regarding the situation.. like it wasn't already hard enough? I was told I just jinxed it, I was told I didn't even care about my baby (only because I kept posting that it was okay, that God was helping me), I was told it just wasn't the right time, it just wasn't God's will, I was told it was for the best, I was told it's okay, it happens to a lot of people, I was told just wait you will be pregnant again soon... NONE of this was true or what I needed or wanted to hear! 
How do you know it wasn't God's will? How do you know it wasn't the right time? How do you know if I don't care.. you can't know how my heart hurts and the agony I go through each day? How do you know it will happen again soon? 13 months isn't soon! It has felt like a never ending journey.. and who knows it may never end. I may be in that category that doesn't get to live this dream, if that's so is it okay, will I be fine? Simply answered, NO I WILL NOT BE OKAY OR FINE! I will just have to learn to live with the life that God has led me to. I will have to stop looking at the pregnant people and moms with a sense of jealousy, and learn to not throw a pity party for myself each time. I will have to stop questioning the Lord why.. He didn't let this happen to hurt me and I'm aware of that. He's not punishing me for anything I done or didn't do, he does still love me. 

This to shall pass...