blessed

I'm still working on the birthday blog,

I've got it halfway wrote in my drafts and will be posted soon enough.

However as I sit here at almost 2 A.M. I just can't help but feel blessed.

 

I'll admit that I make mistakes daily,

especially as a mommy, and a newish one at that. He is only 16 months.

Seems like every night after I rock him to sleep,

I watch him slumber in my arms for a few and try and remember all that took place that day.

 

Honestly every night I feel like a failure.

I didn't spend enough time with him, I should have been more attentive to him,

the list goes on and on and daily I promise myself to do better.

Still yet, here I sit, feeling like a horrible mother.

 

Sure he was fed, he had his milk, his diapers were changed,

he even managed to get a quick scrub, but there was so much more I could have done

for him and with him today.

I wish there was more time. These days time is my worst enemy.

 

But as I sit and feel this mommy guilt I am reminded that I am blessed.

I am blessed to feel like a failure tonight.

I am blessed to have a good husband filling the house with his roaring snore.

I am blessed to have a healthy baby boy sleeping peacefully in his crib.

I am blessed.

 

I want to quit complaining.

quit wanting.

All I can have is the moment I live in now.

I can't take back how today went, there is no rewind.

The time I chose to check my instagram feed instead of build blocks with my son

has passed.

At the end of the day I can critique myself all I want,

I can constantly remind myself of my failures,

and I can say that tomorrow I will try and make it a little better.

Live in the moment, lets not take life for granted!

we are blessed. 

Our birth story

I have finally decided I'm going to try and fix up a nice post of

Easton's birthday party.

But first I thought it'd be nice to post my birth story.

 

 

We found out we were expecting on November 19th, 2012.

A few short weeks later we found out our expected due date was July 23rd, 2013.

Many months later we found ourselves here,

at the doctors office, on July 22nd, waiting...

 

The doctor came in and checked me, my body had been progressing

and I was somewhere around a 3, maybe a little more.

He decided it was best to sweep my membranes and try to start my labor process.

He told me to walk as much as possible that night,

but if things didn't start on there own that I could come in

after 7 the next morning and have my water broken!

 

I looked at him with shock, I had no idea that'd be an option that day.

He'd never brought it up in the past weeks.

I looked at him a little confused, as much as I had wanted to avoid any inductions

let's face it, I - Was - MISERABLE.

He assured me it was all up to me and if I wanted to wait it out that I was more than welcome.

I caved! Just the thought of having my baby boy in my arms that next day was so peaceful and exciting that it took over my mind, my decision was made.

 

I made sure to eat good that evening and night and walk as much as possible.

I would have contractions but they'd never stay consistent enough.

We made sure we had all our bags packed just the way we wanted and off to bed we went.

Well.. at least my husband went.

I got no sleep, I was to excited, the anticipation, the fear, the unknown.

 

The next morning we were up and at it.

Took a walk down the block in hopes I'd progress a little further before heading out.

I made sure to take me a quick bath so I could feel decent till my next shower.

(Whenever that'd be)

 

We arrived at the hospital a little after 8:00 AM.

The day before, my doctor had told me to expect the midwife.

To my surprise he was the one I seen come through the doors that morning.

My induction wasn't scheduled, so he hurried in and broke my water so there was no way that they could send me home.

Boy let me tell ya, the nurses weren't to happy with him.

 

The clock read 8:20 when he broke my water.

He also checked me and I was a little over a 3 maybe closer to a 4.

The nurse yelled at them to put me as an in patient, that he'd broke water.

I'm telling ya, she really wasn't happy about it. lol

From there we just waited for them to hook me to IV for fluids and see how the next few hours went.

 

I unfortunately have horrible, tiny, almost nonexistent veins.

They roll, I have thick skin.. it's just a disaster.

So of course I was stuck with needles for a good amount of time with no success.

Thankfully someone finally got it in and the ball was rolling,

well.. until they had to drawl blood too.

Thankfully that one was patient with my veins and only had to stick me once.

 

A little later around 10ish they said I wasn't having contractions as close as they wanted.

They wanted them no more than 2 minutes apart.

So they started me on Pitocin...

The contractions became more painful but bearable.

Every few minutes the nurse would be back in there upping my dosage of Pitocin.

They got to 1 and a half minutes apart lasting a minute.

Around 11ish they asked did I want an epidural and I denied.

I wasn't set on not having one but wanted to wait as long as I thought I could..

Literally minutes later I told my husband to inform them that I wanted it now.

The pain had escalated from a 5-10 within minutes.

 

Well wouldn't you of guessed that it was my lucky day..

they had gave the dosage that was prepared for me to the girl next door.

They were all out of their medicine up there and would have to wait on another round.

Sounded reasonable right?

no!

It took till 1:00 for me to get my epidural!

Thankfully it was a breeze and I'd do it all over in a heartbeat.

 

They checked me after the epidural and I was at a 6.

I can't remember the exact time they checked me next, I think it was around 4ish but I had went from a 6-9, almost 10 within a few hours.

At this point they started setting up the baby station and bringing in tools.

I was scared to death, I started shaking and crying.

I wasn't ready to push and bring a baby into the world just yet.

What if he wasn't okay? what if his heart rate drops?

what if I can't get him out fast enough?

All the what if's of if he'd be okay once he got here were overwhelming.

This baby I had waited so long for was gonna be out in less than 30 minutes!

 

The nurses wanted me to practice push first and decided quickly that we should just wait on the midwife before I pushed again.

The midwife came in and checked on things and got all suited up.

was this really happening? my baby was fixing to be in my arms?

 

Within the matter of minutes I had one nurse on each side a hold of my feet,

mom and my husband on the side lines, and this giant light above my face, and I was pushing!!

As I pushed for what seemed like no time for me I could hear my husband saying,

"is that hair?"

Sure enough I heard the reply, "Yes, a lot and it's dark and long."

from the 4-D we were expecting very little hair.

 

As I kept pushing his heart rate started to drop, the midwife kept telling me that it was okay and that they may have to use the vacuum to get him out faster.

I was gung-ho for anything at this point, GET HIM OUT, make sure he is okay!

As his heart rate kept dropping I could see the fear on everyone.

My mom said at one point all she saw was the number 20.

20!

Of course the midwife rushed for the vac and begun to tell me to push as it pulled.

Even with the epidural I could feel him evacuate my body but not with pain, just pressure.

Then out of nowhere at 5:06 pm...

 

 

There he was!

My little dark haired cone headed baby!

That sweet sweet cry that I'd longed for rang in my ears.

I sobbed, I mean flat out ugly cry sobbed!

My miracle was here, alive, and crying!

 

 

They ruffed him up and wiped him down quickly and laid him on me.

As I tried to see my precious baby through my joyful tears more continued to stream down my face. He was so beautiful and so perfect. Even with a cone head.

In the matter of minutes they had my husband cut the cord and took him away to the baby station beside me and began to check him out.

 

 

 

 

 

As I lay there watching my mom and husband beam with pride while I was being stitched from a small inside tear, I just had so much joy.

I couldn't wait till they placed him back in my arms.

Didn't seem like it was to long before he was right back and I was starring down at him.

At that moment I knew there was absolutely no way I could ever love him more, but boy was I wrong.

That little 7 lb. 15oz. and 20 in. had me wrapped.

 

 

 

 

I finally released him so my husband could hold him and shortly after my mom.

I was allowed to keep him in there for an hour and try to nurse him and bond.

I'll just say that the nurses were of no help of me to nurse and I totally blame them for the failure I had with it.

 

 

The hour passed to quickly and he was taken away.

He had a little trouble with body heat so they kept him from me for hours..

They took him at 6 and I didn't get him back till 10 that night.

Later we found out that his temp wasn't their only concern but he had a GIANT hernia in his testicle, and the nurses had never seen that before.

 

But he was perfect and with a little surgery we'd have no worries.

I am so beyond thankful and overjoyed with that little monkey.

He is what make my world go round and nothing could ever replace the love I have for him.

 

 

 

 



So The Day Had Come

On November 19th I took a pregnancy test... and would ya of guessed it?.. I seen TWO very distinct PINK lines!! I couldn't believe it I just stared and the tears began to fall and I was shaking for 10 minutes just crying. The day had came after the long dreadful 15 months.

I automatically had to start thinking of a way to break the news to my husband. I just wanted this moment to be very special and surprising. So I taped the test inside of a box and put some paper over it.. when he got home I told him I had something I wanted him to open, (it being so close to Christmas, he just thought it was something I couldn't wait to give him) :) at first he opened and said "An empty box?" he had yet to pull out the paper and when I said "no keep looking," he went on to opening it fully.. He looked up to me in such shock and disbelief. We both just couldn't believe this moment was finally here.
 
Many months later, like.. 3! I am finally posting this. After a few scares and a lot of relief I am here to tell you that we are expecting Easton Carter on July 23rd and he seems to be a picture of health thus far! We cannot wait to meet this precious little baby boy and start our family together. God has blessed us so much and we are forever thankful. :)

 

and here is little Mr. Easton Carter :)

strong enough

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8JsRxVczmQ&feature=related

Lord, you must think I'm strong, to give me what I'm going through. Well forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong, but this looks like more than I can do. On my own. I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm suppose to be, I give up, I'm not strong enough. Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord, right now I'm asking you to be strong enough, for the both of us. Well maybe, maybe that's the point, to reach the point of giving up. Cause when I'm finally, finally at rock bottom well, that's when I start looking up and reaching out. I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm suppose to be, I give up, I'm not strong enough.  Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord, right now I'm asking you to be strong enough, for the both of us.

This song has been what I went to for strength so many times. It's exactly how I feel! I know I have only made it this far because of the good Lord and the strength he has provided me to have. At times I have still just sat and cried and begged the Lord to just let me use his shoulder to cry on and wrap his arms around me so I will know he is there. Some days I still felt like God was nowhere to be found although I knew better, but I wouldn't allow him to help me through some days. I would be so angry. I'll be honest at first I was angry with myself, I kept blaming myself, then I started being angry with God, I felt like he had just gave me this wonderful blessing that I had waited for and then ripped the rug right out from underneath me! All I could do was ask WHY? Why would he do this.. then I went back to blaming myself. I made myself believe he took that baby away from me because of me, I  just thought on all the things I had done and blamed me.. I just knew I had done something to upset God so bad that he ripped my dream away. 

Was any of this true that was in my head?.. No, God didn't want to punish me or hurt me. Things happen and in this life were going to be tested, and were going to have trials. I believe what happened to me was for many reasons. It brought me and my husband so much closer, we seen a side of each other that had never been shown before. I learned how God had no respect of person. It doesn't matter if you have been serving him for 50 years or if you haven't even met him and took him as your savior... he has no respect of person. He will bless them just as well as the saint. Imagine if he didn't, no one would ever come to him.

God let me know he was with me so many times and he has promised me that I will sing "Amazing Grace" to my little one some day. It may have been one of the sweetest things I ever heard from him. With that I must be strong enough and not give up. I have faith that he will bless me and my husband with a beautiful healthy baby one day and I will do my best to raise it up in a good God fearing home. Sometimes promises are all we have, and when God makes a promise there is no going back on it. He will do what he says. :)

a failure...

You know my biggest fear use to be something like a car crash or a house fire, now it's infertility.. People treat infertility like it's so uncommon or no big deal.. 

how everyone see's it..                            how in reality it really is..
           infertility                                                                      INFERTILITY 

I feel like such a failure, Why can't I make this happen? No one in my close family has had to deal with this like me nor has anyone on my husbands side.. just us. Some in his family had a miscarriage like us but they never had to "TRY" to get pregnant.. it just happened, and it always happened really fast. We on the other hand aren't so lucky, I feel like I'm a failure and that it separates me from all of them. All of them had bodies who didn't mind to take on the responsibility of carrying a baby for 9 months, or birthing a healthy baby. Seems like mine just refuses, and then the thought that it always will gets stuck in my mind. I feared not having kids when I was younger cause I've always been a kid person but never did I think it would be like this. That it would take what seems like so long to us to get pregnant, you obviously don't think you will be one to loose your baby either but... it happens. 

I should have been to see the doctor already considering the looong lengthy process/journey this has been but I am just simply to afraid. Afraid of more bad news that I just really can't handle at this point. Then there's always the chance that they will say "o, your just fine, we don't know why you aren't getting pregnant." And to be honest I don't know which would be worse. I fear that this is going to take needles and medicated drugs to get our precious baby. But I'm really not willing to except that me and my body can't do this. I long for it why doesn't my body as well? It's our nature. 

It all hurts so deep and feeling like a failure in this is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I wouldn't wish this on a frog, and if any of you know me.. I HATE frogs! Everyone around just thinks we aren't trying.. The worst feeling ever when we get asked "so, when are you all going to start trying again?" tears :'(.... Then we have to look at them and say "We have been since a month after our loss."  Then the look of confusion and sorrow comes over their faces... Then they say "well it will happen when the time is right." Those are some of the words I hate the most! They got no clue what it feels like and then they can crack something off like that and expect it to make me feel better!! 

If only all those people who have said things or came off with the remarks they have, just had to walk in my shoes for one day! Just ONE day! Would they change their ways towards me in the situation? Sad to say, but probably not because they'd go back to their lives where they never struggled this and completely ignore what I go through.

Signing off, 

The one who feels like a failure

as the rain fell....

So did they....

As I was driving home yesterday in the pouring rain, the tears began to fall. I couldn't stop them, I just bawled all the way home. I can't even pin point on one reason why I was crying, especially so hard but all the same, they fell. I just can't hardly take all that's going on right now.. I feel like I am in a never ending whirl wind. Anyone else around in this rut? I just feel like I can't go any further in anything, not in life, not spiritually, not in any way!! I'm just STUCK. I want out! 

How am I suppose to get past all that's going on? I'm deeply hurting from all this mental, emotional pain. At this point grieving the loss isn't it, I've excepted the fact that we lost the baby and I'm okay with it now I guess... I mean, I can't change what happened.. Now it's more of the fact that we have been trying this long and nothing has come of it. I already suffered the loss and now I'm suffering not getting that back. I just want a baby! I want our family to be started already! We planned to already have a kid by now.

Then there is the problems that's been going on with my husband and his job. He has been breaking out from work for months now and he was finally sent to a dermatologist to have patch testing.  He's pretty much allergic to everything in his work environment! Seriously?.. we can't afford to loose his job anytime soon! It's all just to much and I can't hardly stand it. Tears and anger is all I have left in me at this point. I'm sorry for my bitterness but I can't seem to make it go away. 

I feel like giving up is my only option.. but I've got to keep going.

It's gonne be one of them days...

It is 7:46 a.m. and what am I doing? Laying in bed listening to lullaby's.. haven't let a tear fall just yet but I can already tell the type of day this will be. I haven't had one of these days in a looong while and was really hoping they'd subside a bit longer. I know that I will always have a day like this here and there but why today? 

It's been 13 months since we said our goodbyes. It's been 12 months since we started trying again.. I'm sick of pretending like everything that everyone says is fine! It's NOT fine! It's NOT okay! Just STOP already, PLEASE? I can't even tell you how many nights I have lay'ed awake weeping away because of something someone said to me regarding the situation.. like it wasn't already hard enough? I was told I just jinxed it, I was told I didn't even care about my baby (only because I kept posting that it was okay, that God was helping me), I was told it just wasn't the right time, it just wasn't God's will, I was told it was for the best, I was told it's okay, it happens to a lot of people, I was told just wait you will be pregnant again soon... NONE of this was true or what I needed or wanted to hear! 
How do you know it wasn't God's will? How do you know it wasn't the right time? How do you know if I don't care.. you can't know how my heart hurts and the agony I go through each day? How do you know it will happen again soon? 13 months isn't soon! It has felt like a never ending journey.. and who knows it may never end. I may be in that category that doesn't get to live this dream, if that's so is it okay, will I be fine? Simply answered, NO I WILL NOT BE OKAY OR FINE! I will just have to learn to live with the life that God has led me to. I will have to stop looking at the pregnant people and moms with a sense of jealousy, and learn to not throw a pity party for myself each time. I will have to stop questioning the Lord why.. He didn't let this happen to hurt me and I'm aware of that. He's not punishing me for anything I done or didn't do, he does still love me. 

This to shall pass...